when things aren't fair (30 Oct 2004)

attended a nineteen year old girl's funeral this week.

you'd think a person would get used to this sort of thing after a while.

you don't.

she was nineteen

she was even in school for god's sake

she was pregnant

her boyfriend gave her a hard time about condoms;

then he gave her a baby.

when he found out,

he gave her a handfull of pills.

when she took them and died of the botched abortion he had wanted

he fled the village.

people

so many people

at the burial.

students

faces stricken or blank as they filed past the body of the girl who was

in class on friday

dead sunday night.

the wailing

oh god the screaming.

of women faint from ramadan fasting yet somehow mighty in their mourning

furious in their mask of tears.

and then we were in the street

fanning out

swallowing the village whole

mouths wide open vomiting grief

and i just thought back

to the self-congratulation that was my close of service conference last week

and shook my head;

i still haven't gotten it right.

and i recalled a conversation with someone

discussing our varied village experiences

and he actually professed envy of my front row seat to tragedy, wishing he too had seen what i had seen

as if i'm somehow better off after witnessing so much sadness, so many deaths

as if it's somehow making my experience more real, more severe, more admirable

and i choked back disgust as i watched her brown body sink into the earth

next to the failing corn crops.

...there's this bourgeois notion of the nobility of suffering that we really must dispel

watching someone die of AIDS

does not make you a stronger person

it makes you a sadder person.

watching someone suffer from AIDS related illness

knowing you are powerless to help

knowing there are no medicines available, not for them...

knowing she will die

does not make you a more stoic person

it makes you an angrier person.

being powerless to comfort the friend who puts all his confidence in you

to KNOW WHAT TO DO

does not make you wiser

it makes you more frustrated.

teaching girls they should stay in school,

then watching them prostitute themselves to passing truck drivers and

village teachers to pay the school fees their parents refuse them

does not make you a more noble person

it makes you more disgusted.

and for some the sadness anger frustration disgust

will prompt them to give up, to surrender -

that is their prerogative.

but my hope is that all of these things,

these roiling emotions in the pit of my stomach,

will only make the battle more important, only make me want to fight harder

as my time here rapidly diminishes and i wonder how this will all look from philly...

"we're all human"

that cliche of cultural comprehension is not where my service leaves me.

it is true we may all be human, all people, but some humans have a

heavier burden to bear than others.

and just because we're all people does not make us all

good or patient or understanding.

so no, i haven't arrived at that.

that's too simple  too abstract  too hallmark greeting card a statement for what i've seen.

"we all don't know"

would be more accurate.

never assume that you know or understand

because you most likely do not.

but seek to comprehend,

seek out the stories that make the people,

give them a voice.

perhaps that's the greatest gift, the deepest form of respect.

i sure as hell don't know

but at least i know i don't.