Out on a limb

So I’m in the midst of this self-imposed period of reflection. My bank account understands this as taking a step back from work but it feels to me like stepping forward towards - something. Something more.

And I mean I’m really in the middle of it, quite literally inside what feels like a labyrinth of my own creation. Some days it feels great and liberating, like I’m really onto something. Others it’s just confusion and doubt: What do I want to do? How will I know? What feels heart-and-soul-led as opposed to purely rational, pragmatic and calculated? (The former some new and uncomfortable vocabulary, the latter familiar, firmer ground).

Mere weeks in, I wrote about using my favorite self-soothing mechanism - productivity - to avoid the stillness I knew was coming for me. And now that I’ve settled down into that stiller place, I sometimes fear I’ve veered into the territory of Stuck.

And yet, when I ask myself for the millionth time if this break was a mistake, the answer is always and immediately “no.” Some days it’s more energetic and confident, but my knowing that it was time to pause has not really wavered.

When this leap feels more reckless than brave, I call to mind the friends and colleagues who have sighed and said they wished they could do the same. This pause is an immense privilege even when it seems like a fool’s errand, and I’ve started to feel a bit like I’m reporting to them from the front lines of this experiment.

And what, pray tell, is the experiment?

Simply put: to intentionally find and engage in social justice work I’m not only good at but believe in, enjoy and find more energizing than draining, with people I believe in, enjoy and find more energizing than draining. I’ve found pockets of this with certain clients and projects, and now I’m looking for longer-term versions. A few core clients I enjoy, who enjoy me, and with whom I can collaborate for a year (or more) at a time.

It doesn’t sound that complicated. But paying attention to what “feels” right, and gravitating towards only that leaves a pretty short list. In order of reasonable relationship to work I am actually qualified to perform: connecting great people to form powerful movements through coalition building for civic space/human rights defender protection and climate justice; systems change through narrative shifting and storytelling; writing…

…and then on down to good books, Bob Dylan, horses, etc. etc…Seriously though, I am trying not to silo those “right” things into work and not work. Maybe there is a way to connect my love of sunsets with my desire to rethink capitalism. Who knows? And why not try?

I guess that’s been the theme of this experience thus far - why not try? To get a bit more of what I want out of the many hours and years of my life I have left to fight for social justice in all its many forms. To do things a bit more on my own terms.

In the meantime, and in the spirit of putting myself out there, I’ve decided to start sharing one blog post a week on good old LinkedIn. I’ll still send out a quarterly email to those who have opted in (new one due out next week!), but I’ll also post Thoughts every Thursday: stuff from the blog back catalogue, new stuff when I have it.

In all honesty, it makes me nervous to draw more attention to the blog. Part of the reason I’ve been able to keep writing is that I convince myself no one is reading it. But hey, what the hell - while I’m here in the labyrinth - why not try?