“…Change the game, don't let the game change you.…”

That Macklemore song has been on repeat recently as I try to pump myself up for this next phase of pandemic life, probably initially because I was thinking (duh) about money and the economy. We moved to Level 1 of lockdown on Monday, bringing more easing of regulations here in South Africa - and suddenly it feels like things are re-opening too quickly. Which, yes, is selfish because the economy is in shambles and people need work.

But - dare I say? - while suffocating at times, the cocoon created by lockdown did offer me a unique period of introspection. As a non-parent with a spouse whose company I enjoy, a comfortable home and a cute dog, I was able to ease into isolation and consider what it could bring. Among other things, I redesigned my website, started this blog and took the terrifying step of emailing a bunch of people about it. I read and reflected and meditated and created a really beautiful morning ritual I’m hoping I can maintain.

Now that we’re emerging, my anxious achiever self is frantically waving her hand saying WAIT! I haven’t done everything I wanted to do with this time. I thought I would have figured more out by now! Of course, the next logical step has been to calm that girl down and turn my thoughts to how I can build those spaces for reflection and course correction in to “normal” (read: busier) life.

The song keeps arising because - full disclosure - I have taken a financial hit this year and it worries me. It makes me think about, and question, my place and my role. And when I zoom out (“humbled by the road, I’m realizing i’m not important…”), my thoughts turn (you guessed it!) to being a cog in that whole giant wheel of human rights and development.

We know we (mostly) have monitoring and evaluation where before there was none. We also know it often feels like an artificial and superficial exercise. Tight budgets, eye-popping timelines, indicators we don’t like or maybe even understand - all undermine meaningful (re)evaluation. Fear of loss of funding makes honest course correction tricky, even impossible. The hustle of every day project implementation relegates asking hard questions of ourselves to the bottom of the to-do list. Not to mention decision fatigue. How are we supposed to have the headspace to think big thoughts after our 34th budget realignment?

In short: how do we build in the space for regular, organic, authentic introspection without needing the whole world to grind to a halt?

It does require a change in the funding space, yes. But it also requires us to lead by example, to carve out the time, to insist on and hold the space with and for our teams, our partners. To constantly resist the inertia of the project cycle and quarters ticking by when we may be hitting our indicators but not moving the actual needle. And that takes “…people who put their passion before 'em being comfortable…raw unmedicated heart no substitute…” (cue 10,000 hours)

Wait.

Did I just build an entire personal life to development work metaphor around Macklemore’s the Heist?

I think I did.