Endings

As we barrel towards Thanksgiving (which is usually when it hits me that the year is almost up), my thoughts have turned to endings, and all they contain.

The end of 2022, a year of more travel and movement and togetherness than the previous two allowed.

The end of a number of work projects, or at least my role in them.

The end of whatever this stage of the pandemic is.

I think it’s more pronounced for me right now because I’m about to take a kind of extended leave, brought on by my now annual tradition of 10 days’ silent meditation and an incredible invitation from a dear friend to accompany her to - wait for it - Antartica. The bookends of these plans - one in the beginning of December and the other the beginning of January - have made it challenging to line up work for the start of 2023. And, while I was anxious about this for a while, the closer it comes, the more I find myself relishing the idea. It’s been years since I had more than a few weeks off at a time. Maybe since I finished grad school back in 2008?

So these weeks feel full of the energy of closing loops, tying up loose ends, saying goodbye (for now).

But endings, and the effort that goes into them, also bring fresh perspective. And that is a kind of beginning. Closing one chapter helps me see how opening another one might be possible in a way I find difficult when I’m in the midst of all the doing.

It’s also been an interesting time to observe myself in the role of long term consultant, and the relationships and connections, but also meticulous close outs and transitions, that brings. I feel recently like I’m straddling free lance and “in house” roles, especially since I enjoy folding myself into teams and networks. It’s different from my first few years as a freelancer, when I always had multiple, shorter contracts. There’s a momentum that builds with the juggling of different clients and projects and constant deadlines - that energy was fun and refreshing after years of project management. And then a few years ago, I found myself craving a team and a joint effort, so I sought out these long term roles. Now that they’re coming to a close, I’m trying to be curious (instead of just anxious) about what happens next, to not rush into opportunities.

It’s a first for me, this waiting, this holding back. And it’s only possible because multiple things are ending at the same time.

So, the day before Thanksgiving, I find myself grateful for not only making it to the end, but for being able to enjoy the space between this and whatever happens next.