Dark days
I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience. (Thoreau)
Since we got back to Cape Town last week, my mood has mirrored the shorter, darker winter days here.
{long pause, deep sigh}
Before I left, I was feeling guilty gratitude at being able to go to the States. Now I feel guilty relief that I was able to leave and come back here.
On many levels, those six weeks in the States felt heavy. Yes, because of Covid (per my last email and post) and the overwhelm and exhaustion of constant socializing after 18 months of relative isolation. But also due to a very palpable sense that things there are getting worse, not better.
I’ve thought before that the U.S. has passed its prime, but this time around it was a more visceral body feeling than an intellectual observation. The air felt tense and toxic. Everywhere I looked, it seemed like things were falling apart after decades of neglect and in the giant cracks have sprung weeds of rampant consumerism, vitriol, crumbling infrastructure and questions around what, if any, role we have to play in the world.
And I was doing all that ruminating before this past devastating week: Afghanistan. Haiti. The Delta variant. Wildfires. Even R. Kelly is front and center lately.
It all feels impossibly bleak. Except for the fact that it’s also getting worse.
It’s at times like these that the solitude of freelance consulting feels a little more acute. With everything happening in the world, it’s easy to feel out of the loop, like I’m not contributing in any meaningful way. I am my own team, my own organization.
It does help to remember all of the good people who are doing their best, every day, to make positive, incremental change in their small corner of the world. Better, less judgmental people than myself who don’t afford themselves the luxury of armchair catastrophizing :)
I’m sure I’ll feel more hopeful in a little while. For now, though, it seems appropriate to mourn.
Which I was doing, in part by listening to Dylan’s Not dark yet on repeat. Until the news broke that he’s been accused of sexual abuse. Yep, everything is broken.
Nb: The lawsuit against Dylan was dropped in 2022. But still…